The Healing Power of Empathy by Mary Goyer

Author:Mary Goyer
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: PuddleDancer Press
Published: 2019-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own needs and values. When others hear criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. The more directly we can connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately.

—MARSHALL B. ROSENBERG, PhD

The “Difficult” Client

I was working with a dream team on web marketing for a major high-tech company in Silicon Valley. We loved what we did, and we were good at it, if the Webby Awards on the shelf counted as evidence. In my role as project manager, I had lots of responsibility but little authority. I didn’t mind, because I loved to collaborate … well, usually.

Our client, Sean, was working on a new venture that he insisted was “the next big thing.” With great excitement, he proclaimed, “We need a new web presence—something splashy, with a big ‘wow’ factor. When can you have it done?”

He seemed quite naive about how it all worked. His enthusiasm was endearing but a bit overwhelming. He reminded me of a three-hundred-pound puppy.

“Well, first here’s what we need from you,” I said, mentioning a few items that would affect our timeline. “Once you’ve pulled together your documentation, let’s schedule a team meeting to kick things off.”

A few days later, he said he was ready. We gathered as a team, but Sean showed up empty-handed. We reviewed again what we needed from him.

“If you need outside help pulling it together, let us know. We have people we can recommend,” I offered. He seemed perplexed.

Sean continued to call, badger, and plead for project information without offering any of the documents that we needed. He was tenacious, which I had appreciated up to a point.

He resorted to threats. He said he was would escalate things and “out” our whole department—highlighting me as the roadblock. His attacks on me felt personal. Is this what bullying feels like? I wondered.

My resistance grew, and I lost my appetite to work with him.

Then Sean emailed me to say he had publicly announced the date when the “next big thing” would be available. I was blindsided. Our backs were against the wall. Not having a website up was not an option, so there was no turning back. Sean had committed our team to a launch date without even consulting us.

I was furious. “What was he thinking?” I screamed under my breath.

Time to slow down and take a deep breath. I recalled that if I could find some thread of connection with him, even just within myself, I’d feel better. But I struggled to connect with him because so many things about him rubbed me the wrong way—his pushiness, his demanding style, his incompetence.

These were all great clues about what was important to me.

I placed my hand on my heart and let myself really feel the frustration and disappointment, the yearning for consideration, and the desire for respect for our team’s expertise.

From this more self-connected place, I felt a twinge of curiosity.

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